Endless Hokey Pokey
by Gem-sama
Summary: The Gundam pilots face their biggest challenges ever--impotence and mandatory Ryo-ohkis! The more reviews I get, the more chapters. PG-13 for random obcenities, implied shounen ai, and stupidity. Stop whining and read it, you wussy.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, or any of its characters. Koichi Tokita and all them do. I do in fact own all the people who own Gundam Wing, though.They're in my basement sweatshop making special episodes of "Gundam X" for me.  
  
P.S. I'm sorry Okashina Okashi fans! Please don't hurt me! The word "Hammerspace" is copyrighted Emi-chan and Tanzy, 2001. Well, not really, but at least I'm giving credit.  
P.P.S. This is my first story on fanfiction.net, so I might've submitted it wrong. If that's the case, then a correction is pending.  
  
  
Click click click. Heero sat hunched over his laptop, typing.  
  
Fredico caressed Carmen's cheek gently. "Don't worry, I won't bite," he  
said, smiling faintly. He pressed his lips against her's, warm yet (backspace  
backspace backspace) soft and yet (backspace backspace backspace)  
  
"Damnit! Grr. Writer's block. Oh well. Things get nice and steamy pretty  
soon, and then I'll have no trouble writing at all. Eh heh heh." He grinned  
and shut his laptop.  
  
Meanwhile, in some sandy, deserted area…  
  
A few nuclear missiles clanged against Gundam Shenlong's hull, bouncing  
off harmlessly and detonating at its feet, doing absolutely no damage,  
because Gundams are awsome and invincible and shiny and even when you try to  
self-destruct they still don't destruct and FUNimation is gay and one time my father   
molested me.  
Wufei casually fired a small bullet, blowing up all three enemy mobile suits. Because he's just that good.   
"Ha ha! Die! Er...Well, they're already dead. So what I just said was pointless," Wufei said, talking to no one in particular. Suddenly, he heard a high-pitched mewing. He swiveled in his chair to see a two-foot tall cat-thing gazing innocently up at him, a scroll clenched in its jaws.  
  
"What the hell?" Wufei said. The cat-thing moved forward, nudging the scroll into his hand. He grudgingly took it, swatting the creature away. Opening it, it read:  
  
To Gundam Wing Cast Member:  
  
It has come to our attention that the series GUNDAM WING completely lacks one of two characters that are mandatory for all anime shows. This show is lacking both a cute, lovable cat-creature to get into zany hijinks, and/or a big-busted yet innocent girl who inexplicably has cat-ears. Since the inclusion of either of these characters has been lackadaisically ignored, we have already selected the former for your show. Be mindful that there is a minimum requirement of five wacky hijinks per episode.  
  
Signed,  
  
I.A.R.B.  
  
(Intergalactic Anime Regulation Bureau)  
  
Wufei shrugged and crumpled the letter up, tossing it over his shoulder, where it knocked over his Pepsi, spilling it all over the control panel.  
  
"Shit!" he exclaimed. "Now my keypad will be sticky! Not like it hasn't been before..." He trailed off, then turned to the cat-creature. "You! This is all your fault! Go away! Shoo!" he kicked at it, and it merely scooted back, making a small, cute mewing sound. He growled, throwing his can of Pepsi at it. It leapt up into the air, settling on top of Wufei's head, thus executing the first required comical act. Wufei looked angry, accenting the cat-thing's lovability quite nicely. Finally, Wufei giggled and reached up, picking the little thing off his head. He giggled and pressed it against his chest in an enthusiastic hug.  
"Oh, you. You're so lovable and cudly, I just can't resist!"  
  
Meanwhile, in a run-down motel room...  
  
Duo sighed, stuffing his pillow over his face, trying to block the noise of the people in the room next to him. After failing to get to sleep, he reached for his gun in his pocket and started to polish it. After he polished that as much as humanly possible, he polished the bullets as well. He was starting to get tired, but he couldn't get to sleep.  
"What can I do? Arrgh!" he cried. Suddenly, in a clatter of steel-toed boots and really, really big guns, the door was kicked down, a squad of shirtless, well-oiled men with fantastic abs standing in the doorway, which was smoking for some inexplicable reason.  
Duo lifted an eyebrow. This wasn't a quizzical expression; he was just trying not to stare.  
"Uh...What are you doing?"  
The head guy stepped up.  
"You have been granted access to Hammerspace," the man said, glistening all the while.  
"Er.." Duo said, "What's Hammerspace, and was it really necessary to kick  
down the door?"  
"Sorry about that. Mike here is new, and he gets carried away sometimes. It  
was a cool entrance, though, wasn't it?"  
Duo nodded. "So what's this Hammerspace thing?"  
"Oh, right. You see, in anime, there is a special dimension that only select characters may have access to. This is parallel to whatever Universe you belong to, so it's invisible. It stores any and all objects. That's where those characters get mallets to pound people with when they're mad at them."  
"Awesome!" Duo exclaimed. "So can I use it to get some earplugs? The people in the room next to me are shagging like horny bunnies on fresh carpet."  
  
"You must understand that there are certain rules."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"And don't use rabbit analagies. That's disturbing."  
  
"Alright. So hit me with the rules already."  
  
"Right. First rule: You may only retrieve frivolous or otherwise kawaii objects, and you may only do this in chibi form. Got it? There are very few exceptions to this rule."  
  
"Which would be...?"  
  
"The first is Sailor Moon. She is allowed to use Hammerspace for all her  
  
wands and sceptres and such. You wouldn't want to know where she kept them  
before." The man paused, and the entire group shuddered silently before  
waiting for their spokesman to proceed. "The other exception is Heero Yuy. He  
keeps his gun and laptop in Hammerspace."  
Duo blinked.  
  
"Hey! That's not fair! Why's he the only one who gets to do that?" he whined, pouting. The man shuffled a bit.  
  
"Well, he scared the hell out of us."  
  
Duo nodded. Again.  
  
"I see. Well, if I act cute about it, can I get ear plugs still?"  
  
"No."  
Duo frowned and pulled out his newly polished handgun.  
"Now can I get earplugs?" The guy started to sweat.  
"Er....Yeah, sure. Hey, listen, I have to go beat the shit out of Tenchi  
Masaki now...What a bastard. See ya later." In a poof of purple-scented smoke  
and a mist of glitter, they were gone.  
  
  
  
Meanw--Er, I mean not meanwhile, but actually before, out of chronological  
  
order, in a run-down motel room.  
  
  
Trowa sighed.  
  
"Don't worry, Trowa. I'm sure it happens to lots of guys," Quatre said, patting him on the shoulder as they both gazed..downward.  
  
"I guess I got all dressed up in this schoolgirl outfit for nothing," Quatre commented.  
  
They turned their gaze to the door when the heard...what? It seemed to be a horse neighing. Their door was blasted down, all smoking and stuff. Some unseen choir sung the words "Trojan Man!" as a masked man decked out in Greek armor strode in on a warhorse.  
  
"Greetings, sirs! Looks like your rocket's going to be shooting the moon! I  
bring you Trojan latex condoms, ribbed for extra pleasure!" The man winked. You could tell he winked, even though he had a mask covering all of his features. You could just tell.  
  
"We don't need that right now. Thank you for your concern, though," Quatre  
said, and, as kindly as possible, pushed him out the door. Well, doorway. No sooner had the man left, another man appeared.   
They stared at the man, who was holding a small pharmaseutical bottle filled with blue pills.  
  
"Hi, I'm Bob Dole, and I'm here to tell you about an amazing little pill. It's called Viagra, and is used for temporary allievment of erectile dysfunction. Here, it's on me." He tossed them the bottle. They didn't move to catch it. The bottle unexpectedly hovered in the air for several moments, defying the laws of gravity to wait for someone to pick it up. After about fifteen seconds, it sunk dejectedly to the ground.  
  
"Huh. Well, I guess I'll be going now. Too bad your door was already kicked down. That would've made a really cool entrance." The man named Bob Dole sauntered off.  
Quatre almost had time to sigh. But not quite. Because just then, in a clatter of steel-toed boots and really, really big guns, a squad of shirtless, well-oiled men with fantastic abs rushed in. The leader of the group (you could tell he was the leader because he was the shiniest) stepped forward.  
  
"Hey, we hear you were having pro--"  
  
"No, we're fine now, really. Off you go now," Quatre interjected.  
  
"Oh alright. It's a real shame your door was already kicked down, though." They sighed and rushed back out.  
  
"That was...odd," Trowa said.  
  
"Really," Quatre commented as he bent over to pick over the bottle of Viagra.  
  
"A lot of anachronisms, though." Trowa studied him as he bent over.  
  
"Heh heh...Quatre?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Trowa got his groove back."  
  
Quatre giggled. "Yay! Come here, you big hunk of manmeat, you!"  
  
  
So…You like? Tell me what you think and review. If you don't, I will kill you. Honestly. I'm sitting outside in the tree near your window, watching your every move. So type a review. If nobody does review it, I'll assume either nobody read it or nobody cared. So even if you hated it…That's right. I'm so low in self-esteem that I would feel better even from hate mail. So flame all you want! Or have hot, sticky sex with me! My email is JapanIsWayBetter@canadasucks.com…And my AIM SNs are: Gemdiver45 and Vimaronia. Drop me a line sometimes. It's really lonely up here in this tree. More to come if this is reviewed!  



	2. The Crap Continues

Ha ha! You thought that first little thing there was all you had to worry about, eh? Well think again, you pansyass. Prepare to be subjected to the literary equivalent of being raped in the ear. Review or suffer my wrath of…not…posting…another chapter. I don't see how this is a bad thing, but I'm threatening you anyway!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or any of its characters, but I don't own the clothes I'm wearing now, either. So not owning Gundam Wing may be the greatest non-achievment of my life! Woo hoo! Suck my ass, Gen Fukunaga! God, I wish I had a good excuse like I was drunk or something when I wrote this, but sadly…No.  
  
P.S. Due to laziness and Satanic possession, I will now be doing this in script format.  
P.P.S. "*^*" indicates the beginning and end of what are supposed to be italics. I have not clue how to make them, so that will suffice for now. Any help you could offer would be helpful. Duh, you moron.  
  
*^*(the scene before us shows Lady Une approaching Treize Khushrenada's desk with a smart salute)*^*  
Lady Une: Your Excellency, what is your plan of action against the Alliance?  
Treize: Continue to win battles.  
Une: Excellent plan, sir! Shall we continue to blow stuff up as well?  
Treize: Yes. You are a strategic genius, Lady Une. That's why you are of such high rank, even though that you seem to fail horribly on every one of your missions.  
Une: Thank you, sir!  
Treize: Lady Une, you may dispense with the formalities. I want you so damn bad.  
Une: Yes..sir…  
  
*^*(Zechs Merquise is lying on a medical pallet in a makeshift tent, recovering from his heart attack, apparently from giggling excessively while handling the Tallgeese)*^*  
Zechs: Ungh. The Tallgeese is too powerful for me. I am such a coward.  
Noin: No! Zechs! Don't think about leaving! You must rest!  
Zechs: …I didn't say anything.  
Noin: Oh, right.  
Zechs: Now let us discuss top secret tactical information in this flimsy medical tent where anybody within a fifty foot radius can easily eavesdrop.  
Noin: Alright, so what should we do about these Gundams?  
Zechs: The Gundams are very strong. I am amazed that the colonies could produce something of such power. Of course, they're not as powerful as the Tallgeese.  
Noin: ...The Tallgeese is 20 years old. That technology has been long outdated.  
Zechs: (not paying attention) Yes, the Tallgeese has far surpassed any other mobile suit created.  
Noin: But…You can't dispute the fact that the Gundams are more technologically advanced in every possible way compared to the Tallgeese.  
Zechs: But the Tallgeese is a prototype. And mobile suits are mass-produced, while the Tallgeese was crafted with care.  
Noin: Er, the Gundams aren't mass-produced either.  
Zechs: Yes, I know how you feel. The Tallgeese never ceases to amaze me, either.  
Noin: (she sighs in exasperation, giving up) Of course, sir.  
Zechs: Now I must leave. To…become one…with…the Tallgeese!  
Noin: Whatever.  
  
*^*(the scene switches yet again to witness Relena's pink limousine pull up, and the aforementioned girl steps out, jogging up to her beloved Heero, who is hanging around Duo and yet still managing to appear antisocial)*^*  
Relena: Heero! There you are!  
Duo: Hey, you sexy bitch. Wanna come over to my place sometime?  
Relena: (doesn't pay attention to him) Heero! Kill me!  
Heero: Christ…Stop following me around. And stop leaving those messages on my answering machine.  
Relena: But I love you, Heero!  
Heero: Oh, and stop mailing dead kittens to me.  
Duo: C'mon, you foxy thing. Let's go do the beast with two backs. Whaddya say?  
Relena: Heeeeeeerooooo! Why won't you kill me? (she gets a deranged look in her eyes) If you don't, I might get upset. (suddenly, out of nowhere, she pulls out a handgun, firing it at Heero who is two feet away, and completely misses)  
Heero: (he shakes his head and walks off, only pausing briefly to put a few bullets through Relena's infernal pink limousine [who the hell has a pink limousine, anyway?])  
Duo: I'm fucking Shinigami! All women are supposed to find me strangely irresistible! (he runs off, crying like a little schoolgirl)  
  
*^*(we see Heero sitting in front of his laptop yet again, typing speedily)*^*  
Heero: Hmm. I really should look into getting a chair or something. Oh well. (he continues to type away, humming softly to himself, until a light beeping noise from the speakers interrupts him, indicating he has top secret mail. He presses random buttons in rapid succession, pretending that he's typing in some sort of code or whatever. Instructions for a new mission pop up on screen.)  
Heero: It says here my mission is to…what? A reconnaissance mission where I am required to…flaunt…my identity? This is absurd. But oh well. Here are the coordinates. I really should stop talking to myself like this. (he shrugs and heads off to school after printing out the coordinates, where he apparently spends the entire time outside, being that there seems to be no actual academic classes)  
  
*^*(Heero leans against the fence, glancing at his classmates with muted superiority, looking very James Dean-esque)*^*  
Duo: (he saunters up, joining Heero in his fence-leaning) Hey, Heero. Notice how I roll the "r", as if we were actually speaking in Japanese. Cool, huh?  
Heero: …  
Duo: (he frowns in puzzlement) How is that a verbal expression? I don't know how you do that…  
Heero: Like this. …!…//;]'…  
Duo: You have some talent, man. (he shakes his head)  
Heero: …  
Duo: Hey…You haven't said one cliché thing this entire fic! Not once have you said "Hn," or "Omae o korosu," man. Give the people what they want.  
Heero: You know…You're right for once, Maxwell.  
Duo: (Duo beams proudly) Well, I am a god, after all.  
Heero: H.  
Duo: What?  
Heero: H. (Heero's mouth twist and his brow wrinkles in concentration as he forms the sound very deliberately) H. (he gasps) I can't…I can't say "H".  
Duo: You mean "Hn"?  
Heero: Yes! I…can't say it!  
Duo: Well this is bad. Look, we don't have time to worry about that. Don't you need to go off on some secret mission and attempt to self-destruct until I come in and save your ass, like I do every week?  
Heero: You're right. (he nods, raising his voice so everyone can hear as he "casually" talks to himself) Well, I'm off to…(he pulls out a piece of paper from his pocket, peering at it) Osaka Convention Center now. Nobody try to follow me, or I'll have to kill them!  
  
*^*(across the street, a bush rustles slightly as a tiny pair of binoculars peeps out)*^*  
Relena: Yes! This is my perfect chance! Eh heh heh…  
  
*^*(the camera cuts to an aerial view of a large building, the Osaka Convention Center, where today's riveting drama will unfold. The building looks slightly ominous yet full of light, thus indicating that this is an important place.)*^*  
Duo: (he steps out of a car, skipping over to the convention center's main entrance) Thanks for the ride, Hee-chan! (he giggles, muttering about Chinese men and large servings of Cool Whip)  
Heero: Whatever. I wouldn't have given you the lift if I hadn't secretly admired your courage and lightheartedness. As well as your tight ass. (Duo looks at him, gaping, and a confused expression crawls over Heero's face) …Did I say that? Damn you, producers! Can't you give us any internal dialogue?  
Duo: You forgot to mention how you subconsciously find my overdone zaniness a turn on. I'm a cold-blooded killer, and I still manage to get portrayed as the wacky one in these fics.  
Heero: Shut up. We're here.  
  
*^*In the outer reaches of outer space, Quatre admires outer space's spacy beauty.*^*  
  
Quatre: Gosh, Rashid. It sure is nice to be able to spend time in outer space. Outer space is so calm and quiet. One can't help but love outer space or love spending time in outer space. I wish more people who have not been to outer space could feel what it's like to be out in outer space, but I guess these outer space-ignorant people will never learn the beauty of-  
Rashid: For the love of God, shut up!  
Quatre: Sorry, it's just my space heart rambling again, I suppose.  
  
*^*Because the author does not feel like chronicling precisely what kooky things Wufei or the One-Banged Wonder are saying right now, the author would like to get this out of the way. For the reader's information, right now they are in Russia, working in a steel factory to make really, really tiny little instruments to dissect really small insects and such. The author can assure the reader that this is fairly menial work and does not demand much attention for the moment, though it may develop into a key plot point at a later time. Or not.*^*  
  
*^*(back to Heero and Duo, now inside the "base of operations")*^*  
Duo: Wh-what is this place?  
Heero: I've never seen anything like it.  
Duo: This is…obscene.  
(the camera pans wide to display the crowd of gathered otaku, most dressed as their favorite anime character. There are a lot of homemade sailor outfits, Ryoko hairstyles, Ohtori Academy uniforms, and tentacle monsters about, mingling with fellow geeks, savoring the unity of dorkiness. After several moments, a troupe of girls in some odd junior high school uniform, hair a la Miaka, step up, squealing)  
Girl Number 1: Oooh! What a kawaii costume! Where'd you find that Duo Maxwell braid?! It's adorable!  
Girl Number 2: Who needs Duo? Look at this awesome Hee-chan disguise! Ooh! (she grabs Heero's arm, feeling his biceps, unaware of the rage clouding Heero's eyes)  
Heero: (he grasps for his gun, which tumbles from Hammerspace. While the window between universes is briefly expose, Duo gives a gleeful cackle and reaches inside, rooting around with his hand. After several bell noises, some cranking sounds, a lady screaming, and the distinct meowing of a violated cat, he draws out a large bag of grade-A, hydro-dynamic, pasteurized, laser-cut lollipops. Heero ignores this and caulks the gun, aiming) Omae o ko-Omae o koro-Omae o-Oh, fuck it! (he frowns and unceremoniously shoots the girl. The other succubi hiss and scamper off, leaving the body of their fallen comrade to the oogling eyes of the slobbering, hormone-driven, acne-ridden 32 year olds attending.)  
  
*^*What will happen on the next installment of this gripping epic? Who will die? Who is the father of Duo's illegitimate lovechild? I sure as hell don't know. Either way, review and be rewarded with another sack of this mind-numbing crap I like to call a fanfiction. All the cool kids are doing it.*^* 


End file.
